Gamze Kahraman –

One day, Ersah came to me and said, “You know Yunus? He’s starting a comedy club, and I’m going to perform there, just so you know.”
“Wow, that’s great!” I replied. “Awesome! You can do it, my love,” and then I didn’t think much of it. Everything felt pretty ordinary to me. Sure, I was happy and excited for my partner; after all, it was something he really wanted. He was the one who should be excited. His big night came, but what was the big deal? He had it memorized. He had been planning this for years. He was prepared. How nervous could it possibly be to get on stage? But a few days before, I sensed something was off.

“Are you nervous?” I asked.
“Well, I guess,” he replied.
But I didn’t get it. On his big night, he made a casual remark that felt out of place. I didn’t understand. He went on stage and spoke faster than usual. I didn’t get it. He finished and came down. I still didn’t get it. Until… the moment came when it was clear I’d be going up too.

“There’s an open mic, will you go up?” he asked.
What did I know? No way, can it be? I was caught off guard, but somehow I said yes. Okay, but what was I going to talk about? I managed to come up with something, and the night arrived. On the way there, I kept thinking about what I would say. Two hours before, I felt a lump in my stomach. I had already forgotten the clumsy script I prepared. Thank goodness I had written it down, but the problem was I couldn’t remember what I had read. As the comedian before me was performing, a hundred negative thoughts raced through my mind: “What if I can’t do it? What if I embarrass myself? What if no one laughs?” Ultimately, I stepped on stage. My voice felt trapped inside, my stomach was in knots, I couldn’t remember anything, my ears were ringing, and my eyes were blinded by the stage lights. What are those lights?! I started to speak, but my lips felt glued together. How can a person’s mouth be so dry? I hadn’t been dehydrated for days! One part of me was worried about running out of saliva while another was trying to remember the next line. At one point, I thought about running off the stage in tears. Thank goodness I didn’t. But I think I peed a little. I mean, emotionally. I hadn’t experienced feelings like this in 43 years. Not even during sex (for that, I owe a big thanks to Lemonade Turkish Comedy Club).

Speaking of 43, what does it feel like to have never stepped on stage even once in all those years and then desperately want to be up there? Is there even a word for that?

When stepping onto the stage, the word “nervous” sometimes feels inadequate. Excitement, anxiety, eagerness, curiosity… I wish there were a new, original word that could encapsulate all of these feelings at once. That way, when we hear that word, we’d understand that the person stepping onto the stage feels like a sailboat caught in a storm in the middle of an ocean.

For instance, let’s call it “Stagefear.”